On a completely different topic, I was talking to a friend last night about being guarded. He’s very guarded and has a hard time letting people in, and I was trying to explain to him that letting people in can be a good thing. But then I began to see where he was coming from. Isn’t it just easier to keep everything locked up inside? No one needs to know what’s going on in there. And sometimes letting people in is a huge mistake. I let someone in, someone I thought I could trust. He knew me better than I knew me. He knew I was mad before I knew I was mad. But the problem became when he wanted out. (this could be a HUGE sexual joke I know, let’s be mature) And he ripped himself out. I didn’t want him to leave. That’s the problem with letting people too far in. You become extremely vulnerable. No one wants to be weak. Everyone likes to think they’re strong. So if you stay guarded, you’re perceived as stronger. But in reality, I think that makes you weaker. I think it’s better to open up to one or two people, whom you trust of course, just to get a different opinion. But I’m not sure. I mean granted once you’re hurt, it’s more difficult to let people in again. I myself have had a hard time. You get a negative perception of something, and it’s difficult to let go of that experience and realize that it doesn’t always happen like that. People aren’t awful are the time. There are good people out there…I think… okay well now I’m just rambling. This is very rambly I’m sorry.

I’ve just been in a state of “blah” lately. When it’s not “blah” it’s “meh”. I feel as though I’ve been in a lonely stage for so long it’s become numb. A numb loneliness. I mean it’s not like people haven’t been around. It’s just that constant lack of being a first choice that gets to you after about the 30th time. But I can only hope it’ll happen sooner or later. There’s gotta be some guy out there crazy enough to think of me before other girls…that’ll be the day huh. Welllp, all we can do is keep breathing.

“Funny the things you think about, funny the things you don’t. Funny the things that fade away, funny the things that won’t” – “Nothing Even Happened” from “Is there life after high school?”

Anyway, the movie basically talks about how if a guy’s interested in you, he’ll call you. blah blah blah. But the thing that kind of stuck with me was the first point the movie made. It said that from the begining, women have been lied to about guys and their signals. The first scene is this little girl getting picked on by a little boy at the playground. She goes over to her mother and her mother says the boy’s picking on her because he likes her. And then the movie states that that statement is a lie.

Then I started thinking about all this crap that girls say to each other about guys. like no offense to guys, but they’re usually not as smart as the girls give them credit for! now of course if i’m speaking from experience, i’m talking about champs here. Why do girls say to each other things like “He’s playing hard to get” or “He’s trying to make you jealous” stop lying to your friends. Usually “hard to get” is really “you’re a psycho i’m ignoring you for a reason”

That’s another thing hilarious. All girls are psychos. The key is to trick guys into thinking that you’re not a psycho.

But yeah let’s find a message here… okay. don’t lie to your friends about people they’re interested in. just make it blunt and painful. then you can say I told you so when they don’t listen

Okay I should probably talk about something less girly/deeper…

Let’s see… Okay I’ve got a good topic here: changing views on people.
It really is amazing how your view on someone can change so drastically so quickly. You could see someone as one way, and all they have to do is one little thing, and you do not view them the same way at all. There have been a few occasions in my life where I have gone to loving someone so much, almost too much, to hating them. How can that happen? How is it that we can go from constantly thinking about how to make someone happy, to plotting ways to get back at them or doing things to simply spite them or even worse, never having them cross your mind at all. It doesn’t logically make sense. But it happens, too often.

It makes you wonder if people have the same reaction to you in that sense. Like do the people you go from loving to hating do the same for you? Or did they even love you in the first place? Or even on a smaller scale. We are judging and being judged by others so often. Sometimes I wonder if someone I barely know catches me doing something, and that completely changes their opinion of me. Not that it really matters, but it’s still something to think about.

OH OH one more topic haha sorry this is a long ass blog tonight. So I found this brilliant new broadway ish song on youtube called Accident Prone that I just must share the lyrics to because I love them:

“Michael Marlow made a ceramic frog
He blushed as he gave it to me.
And my brain went soft, so I held it aloft
For the whole kindergarden to see.
And I dropped it immediately.

I tried to think how to apologize
I was stumped
So his mom called mine to inform me I was dumped.
And I cried OH NO
No one else will ever love me
Maybe this guy’s my last chance
What if no one ever loves me?
And I die alone with cats and potted plants?
My mother said, “That’s something to think about.”

At the freshman mixer my date was Steve,
We clearly were still a bit young.
But I got first kiss, so I laid there like this
And I sort of maybe kinda might have bit off the tip of his tongue.
I tried to think how to apologize as he bled
So I called for the ambulance as I stroked his head
And he cried “OH NO no one else will ever love you!”
And the paramedics made me leave.
No one else will ever love you!
And they dropped me off and that was it with Steve.
The driver said “You shouldn’t bite people’s tongues.”

So I lost about five boyfriends
I tipped one out of a canoe
And I stepped on the hand of my one one night stand
And it’s time now to talk about you.
You’ve yelled at me all night it’s nearly dawn.
And you say I should apologize or you’re gone.
And you say OH NO
No one else will ever love me.
No one else will take my shit.
Well if this is how you love me,
Then the answer is fuck you I quit.

I’ve heard guys yell I’ve heard guys whine.
And somehow the fault was always mine.
If I spoke my mind or failed to please,
They start wailing like I broke their knees.
Fine, maybe I did once!
But all my life I’ve only been afraid
So I stayed where no one ever should have stayed.

I know someone’s gonna love me
And he’ll only need one skill.
I will know the man who loves me
Cuz the man I love is gonna learn
The man I love is gonna learn
Yes the man I love is gonna learn
To fucking chill
The man I love is gonna learn to fucking chill.”

here’s my friend stephanie singing it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVotNKx56VQ&feature=related

This line made me start to wonder about selfishness… I’m pretty sure that everyone’s selfish. Aren’t we supposed to be? I mean isn’t it human nature to do everything we can to make sure that we survive? So then we’re all selfish. Some of us more than others of course, but I’m pretty positive that 90% of what we do, give or take, is for our own personal benefit.

But it can get to be too much. I mean it’s understandable for people to look out for themselves, but they should also think about what it’s doing to other people. Your actions affect more people than just yourself, so shouldn’t you take that into account when making decisions?

But then you start to lose sight of what’s essentially the best decision for you when you make your decision based on everyone else. At the end of the day, you do what’s best for you, right? Even if it hurts others in the process? Because you can’t go through life worrying about other people SO much that you stop making yourself happy, right?

It’s so easy to be on one side and say “fuck it. I’m going to do what’s right for me because at the end of the day, the only person i can count on is myself.” But then sometimes you find yourself on the other side, and say, “He knows that this is killing me, but he did it anyway. Drop the mirror, look at me.”

I don’t know, maybe I’m completely misinterpreting those song lyrics. But I feel like I kind of opened up a can of worms here… oh well.. Good night

Okay I’m going to bitch now. I’m going to bitch about Burlington champs. Yes. Here we go.

Okay let’s start with the boys:
I know you’ve had it rough, being freshmen and being neglected by all the girls. Then when you become sophmores, you jump on the freshmen like you’re some sort of jungle cat pouncing on its prey. But once you become juniors, it’s like you think you run the school. (Don’t worry, I’m getting to the seniors.) Just because you have your license (which you use with zero responsibility), maybe got a little better and sports, and have a fan club of girls you can legally rape, doesn’t mean you’re any less lame than you were two years ago. Then there’s the senior boys… 1. the freshmen girls are FOUR YEARS younger than you. were you interested in second graders as a fifth grader? But then again, they probably have the same level of maturity as you. Maybe more. 2. your sports number will have NO significance after you graduate. none whatsoever. So stop being obnoxious and cocky about a god damn insignificant number. 3. just because you’re a senior, doesn’t mean you’ve magically become thirty and are qualified to run the school. you’re still a student. The common theme here is, you’re not as great as you think you are. And the smaller your head is, the greater you’ll be.

Now Girls:
Freshmen, you may walk into the school with your yet-to-slow metabolisms and your mini skirts, but all you are is fresh meat. The older boys can get away with so much just because you’re younger. So don’t throw yourselves at them with your lack of clothing and susceptibility to alcoholism and let them take advantage of you. I promise you you’ll regret it. Sophmores, yeah I know your life sucks. You’re not new meat anymore. You’re pretty much neglected. Then juniors, yeah it’s nice to be upperclassmen and have your license and stuff, but don’t let yourself get used for rides. It sucks to be a senior girl, except for the fact that you’re leaving. I don’t have as much to say about the girls except, BE CLASSYYY.

sorry for the rant. as i always say, i’m just trying to be classy in a world of trashy people.
that is all.

There’s a song from the show Edges by Pasek and Paul called coasting. It’s pretty brilliant. It’s all about how people aren’t usually interested in their conversations with other people. That’s another thing about champs. The majority of them HATE their friends. Well wouldn’t you? We’re just coasting. Us, the champs, everyone.

But I don’t wanna coast. I want to like the people I talk to and hang out with. I want to enjoy the company I have. I want to be happy to respond to the text messages I receive. I want to love my friends. And most of all, I want the people I love and care about to equally love and care about me. I don’t think I deserve anything less. I’ve settled for that up to this point. But I’m pretty sure I’m done. “Because really what’s the point when we’re just coasting?”

i don’t like this post. but then again, i don’t like champs. shit happens.

“‘Hello, hi, how are you?
You look great today”
And “Hey, what’s new?”
And “That’s so true”
And “Oh my god, no way”
“Hello, hi, how are you?”
Every line is staged
The same ordeal, don’t think or feel
But seem like you’re engaged

And on and on I rummage through my vault of used up sayings
But I’m praying I’ll find something that has meaning at its core
‘Cause really what’s the point if we’re just coasting on the surface?
We are capable of finding, saying, feeling so much more
But we’re just coasting” — Pasek and Paul

Hmmm let’s see… okay I’ve been kinda bouncing this thought around in my head for a little bit.

It’s the idea of rejection. I have to urban dictionary this:
“My love life from my teens to even now in my late 20s. She rejected me, so did she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she……”
“1) When someone wants something from someone but gets turned away.
2) One of the worst feelings in the world.
3) The subject of nearly every emo song ever written.”
“one step closer to true love.”

I was just thinking about rejection. Like it’s so easy for everyone to play the victim and feel sorry for themselves. “Oh everyone feel bad for me I got dumped.” or “My life sucks nobody I love loves me back!” But in actuality, those people are most likely rejecting people just like they’ve been rejected.

I find myself in awful situations every once in a while. I’ll find out that someone’s interested in me who I’m not interested in, and I’ll somehow reject them. Obviously that itself makes me feel guilty. But what really gets me is when I find myself rejecting them the same way I’ve been rejected before. I’ll say to myself, “Shit, I’m pulling a (insert name of douche bag who’s wronged me here).” And I feel like such a hypocrite. But how do we avoid this? This hypocricy is more present than one would think.

When it comes down to it, there’s no good way to reject someone. Rejection is inevitable. We don’t live in a world where everyone picks someone they’re interested in and that person miraculously is interested in them too. As that last urban dictionary definition said, rejection is “one step closer to love”. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true.

And there’s another point to be made there. Take it from the single peeps out there right now, all you taken folks: be greatful that you happened to pick someone to be interested in who’s interested in you too. Because as simple as it sounds, that is hard to come by. So enjoy it You can fight when you’re dead for god sakes! Haha that’s enough of that.

So long story short, the next time you’re rejected, don’t sweat it. You’re just getting rid of the duds. Think of it as throwing the small ones back. Life is just a long fishing trip. And next time you go to reject someone, remember, you’ve been on their side. So the kinder your “thanks but no thanks” is, the better

peace.love.leanne.

“Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through.” — All-American Rejects (yes the pun in the band name is completely intended)

Well first and foremost, good (or even great, shut up Dickens) expectations are a set-up for sadness, and heartache, and dissappointment. Don’t expect that something good’s going to happen, because chances are that it’s going to fall through. Then you’re pleasantly surprised when it actually works out! …But there’s a problem. I love looking forward to things. I love planning them out and playing out what might happen in my head. What I’ve learned is basically telling me to look forward to nothing, count on no one, and just expect the worst. That’s awfully depressing. But what choice do I have? Whenever I think something good will happen, the worst possible outcome occurs instead. (I’m not talking generally about life, mainly boys haha) But still. I do not want to live life a Debbie Downer. I pride myself in being positive…but life keeps telling me otherwise so the glass is looking more and more half empty as the days go by.

I’ve also learned to take the good with the bad. I had a really good day today. But right now all I can dwell on is the fact that now, at the conclusion of the great day, every person I was with today is with a significant someone…and I’m sitting on my computer blogging about how I’m alone. Playlists of Ingrid can only soothe the lonliness so much. But regardless of the lonliness, I have to stop feeling so sorry for myself and be thankful for the great day I had today.

Oh and one more thing, excuse my language, FUCK PROM. Prom is God’s way of making it even clearer to me and everyone else that I am not someone’s first choice. Never have been, never will be. Not that I’m a big fan of any of the champs who would be asking me, but is it really that impossible for me to be someone’s first choice? Ugh prom is so juvenille and unimportant. Fuck it.

“I swear I didn’t mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised.” — Jack’s Mannequin

I just don’t get it. He literally kills me. Every day he doens’t talk to me or barely talks to me or ignores me or talks to someone else instead he is killing me. Each day he kills me a little bit more. What’s going to happen when there’s nothing left of mind for him to kill? Then what? He is eating at me, tearing away parts of my being, shredding what little happiness I manage to have.

Enough is enough. I can’t even say that. I’ve been at “last straw” status for the past five months. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Does he hurt me more when he’s barely in my life or when he’s not in it at all? This is worse than any of the stuff he put me through last year. This is a total absence, total negligence, total abandonment.

I am so used to having that one person there, that one constant at all times. For the past year he has been my crutch. I have relied on him to keep me sane, entertained, and happy. That’s unhealthy. I have become so attached that him going away is killing me like this.

I feel like I’m having withdrawls. It keeps going back to the addiciton theory. He’s the drug, I’m the addict. Well thinking positively for a nanosecond, now I know I will NEVER get involved with anything addictive i.e. smoking, drugs, etc. Thanks for that. But Sara got it right as usual “I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground. You’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go. The one thing I still know is that you’re keeping me down.” – Sara Bareilles

It’s hilarious about that song actually. Not funny that I’m laughing about it, more ironic. I remember so clearly the night I first heard that song, (“Gravity”). I heard it at dance because some girls were doing a lyrical piece to it. I remember walking out of dance class with my friend Alysse, and saying how pretty the song was. I said something like “I wish my life applied to that song so I could relate to it more.” Well I sure did jinx myself. Good one Sam. Back then, I was first talking to him, but it was good. It was when I was in my naive he-might-break-up-with-her-for-me phase. Now, that song is my life.

So here I sit, addicted, and being killed little by little, day by day.

“Set me free. Leave me be. I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re onto me, and all over me.” – Sara Bareilles

This morning, I signed onto my facebook after having not been on it for a couple days. As I was checking my notifications and creepin on what other people were doing, I noticed something. There are some people who have become strangers.

It scared me because as I looked at a few profiles of people who I used to be so close with, I found myself wondering what they’d been doing lately, or why they were talking to the people who wrote on their walls. Why had they become strangers?

It was mostly him. He was a huge stranger. We don’t talk anymore. I guess it’s for the best. But it just gets me. It gets me because he completely lost interest. Am I that easy to lose interest in? I know I’m not as pretty as her, but am I that forgettable that you can just walk away from me completely? It doesn’t just get me, it kills me. That’s not a good feeling, to realize someone is a stranger and then realize that they’re a stranger because they walked away from YOU.

I guess all of these feelings I’m feeling are just part of a learning experience. This whole thing is making me mature. But what if I don’t want to mature? Can I trade? Shitty feelings inside for maturity? Please?

Ah well. I’ve got to get on with my life. Wait…that’s a song lyric. Shit what’s that lyric…This is going to drive me insane all day. greeeaaaaat. But yes. Strangers aren’t good. They’re bad.

Oh that’s the other thing. Everyone’s changing and I hate it. Boys, just because you’re juniors and you have girls you could legally rape following you around doesn’t mean you’re any better than you were last year. So shut up and bring that big head of yours down to earth. (Avril Lavigne lyric?) “He needed to come back down to eeaarrrrthh”

“Hey I’ll move out of the way for you. Hey, I’ll move out of the way for her too. I never thought we’d end up here in separate cages. It doesn’t go like this you’ve left out some pages…” — Ingrid Michaelson

Nothing’s the same. People change. I mean I can’t blame them, I’ve changed too. But I like to think I’ve changed for the better. Maybe that’s naive of me… Have you ever felt like that? Like you were on the outside? I don’t know maybe it’s just me.

But now the people I used to love have turned into people I hate. It’s not fair. I want the ones I loved back. Where did they go? I feel like they’re never going to come back. He’s not the same. He’s turned into this pompous, arrogant, self-centered person who I loathe. I want who he used to be back. But I’m only kidding myself. People don’t change back to who they were before. They keep changing into different people. So do I just sit here and let him go? I think I have to. That’s not fair. I guess I now understand why everyone says “Life isn’t fair.” It really isn’t. I didn’t do anything. He just changed. And now he’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“You say goodbye but do you really know it’s over? You say goodbye but do you comprehend it? You go along thinking that things like this never change… But then they go and change.” — It’s Not a Love Story from Tales from the Bad Years

This just proves that shit happens. I did not do one thing to get this cut, nor to have it become infected. Yet here I sit, in pain. Things just happen. There’s nothing you can do to prevent them. Pain is caused, mostly as a consequence of a bad decision made by you, but sometimes it’s caused by things you have no control over. This is just a literal example, but it really put things into perspective for me.

So all I have to say for tonight is, shit happens. Shit happens even when you don’t do anything to deserve it. Pain comes, even when it feels like you are doing everything right.